Nonviolent Communication is…

Wow. It’s hard to believe I’ve already come to the end of my eleven-week course in NVC this week. This is a photo of the peas (now flowering in our garden) that I had planted at the very beginning.

Ironically, though I just spent these last 11 weeks becoming emotionally literate, at this moment, I can’t even describe the feelings I am having about what I’ve learned and experienced. All I can say is, I am amazed with how it has impacted me. And how in awe I am of this beautiful process and way of being.

From this point, I will be moving on to join an on-going, weekly study group. From what I understand, I will be in the company of some very committed, passionate and long time “students” of NVC. Knowing this, I suspect my need for support from – and connection to – the NVC community will be well met!

I do wonder if readers are curious about what NVC actually is, if you’re not certain about what I’m talking about… and sometimes… whether you imagine I must be some sort of recovering violent offender! If I may clarify…. I’m not.

NVC is an internal process, a dramatic shift in consciousness for some, and as close to an authentically “spiritual” experience that I’ve ever had. I feel as though for the first time in my life, I am enjoying and accepting simply being human; being perfectly imperfect. I am growing an awareness of what’s going on within myself at any given time, and learning to accept it without shame, fear or judgment.

To help any readers who would like more understanding of what NVC really is, I thought I’d share our study group’s preamble. I hope it helps to clarify and possibly even inspire any of you to explore NVC further yourself:

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing feeling, needing and requesting.

We will practice making careful observations free of evaluations, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what we are wanting in a given moment. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt and needed, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening – to ourselves as well as others – NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

Founded on language and communication skills that enable us to remain human, even under trying conditions, NVC contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know – about how we humans were meant to relate to one another – and to assist us in living in a way that displays this knowledge.

The use of NVC doesn’t require that the persons with whom we are communication with be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent communication.

NVC sills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming. In NVC trainings you will learn to express your feelings without attacking. This will minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self esteem. The skills will be useful with your family, friends, students, subordinating, supervisors, coworkers and clients. These skills will be useful with your own internal dialogues.

Nonviolent Communication is a clear and effective model for communication in a way that is cooperative, conscious, and compassionate.

I love this. I need to read it over every day. It helps me remember. Because I am so not in this place yet. But every day, I feel a little closer. I get less discouraged by the slip-ups. I feel more encouraged by knowing where my heart is; and I am confident about – and really like – what direction we’re moving in.

And the peas? I opened a few pods this weekend. They’re a little small yet for eating, but they’re growing more and more everyday…

And showing some definite promise!